The Real Superhero Film

I’m very excited about a project I’ve been working on for a few months now. Drumroll please…. I’m gonna be in a movie!

Okay, very weird tidbit about me – I was actually an extra in an “after school special” type movie back in high school. It starred some pretty famous people, but they probably would rather forget about it. After all, it was pretty cheesy.

However, this film is going to be truly amazing. I hope that anyone reading my lil blog here will follow our progress on social media and our website, which are all below.

The Real Superhero Film” is a feature-length documentary film that explores human stories of cancer survivors, as well as those who dedicate their lives and careers to helping cancer patients. They include esteemed physicians, nurses, nurse practitioners, and others.

The film will include a variety of intimate interviews, as well as casual and deep conversations about cancer from people of all ages, nationalities and walks of life. Naturally, the theme will be how these particular cancer survivors discovered their “superpowers”.

“Turn your pain into purpose”

A recurring theme in the film

Additionally, experts and medical professionals will discuss their work using their own “superpowers” to help enrich and save cancer patients’ lives.

****Super Bianca!****

Ultimately, the film will show that there are real superheroes all around us!

AND this all came about just by a chance meeting (I’d call it fate) during a physical therapy gym class and my very rude habit of eavesdropping on strangers.

There I was, riding along on the stationary bike one day, and all I can hear is this woman’s Eastern European accent. I looked at this woman, who I just knew was a cancer sista’ in full-on pink, talking with such intense passion about ALL she was doing! Well, she was: filming a movie here in the States and Bulgaria about cancer survivors; she is an extremely famous actress in Bulgaria and even hosted the Bulgarian version of “The Bachelor”; she was working with our hospital to get a PET Scan machine donated to Bulgaria; and, heading a team in a walk for breast cancer. This was a Bulgarian girl-boss and I immediately loved her!

Now, months later we’ve been workin’ it to get this film going, along with the production crew.

The director/co-creator is an award-winning, veteran filmmaker. He has created multiple documentaries, one in particular that aired on PBS. He has also made several short films that have won acclaim at top film festivals worldwide.

The executive producer has one heck of a resume/C.V. too, varying from risk management at Deloitte & Touche, to running her own consulting firm while also embracing her passion for art and design.

Our P.R. and marketing representative is out of the esteemed Dale Carnegie Agency.

We have over 20 participants in both the NYC Metro area and several in Bulgaria, including Bianca’s mother. Very little known fact: The entire country of Bulgaria has only 2, Yes 2, PET Scan machines. Hence, Bianca’s mother waited nearly 6 months for a PET Scan to show she was suffering from lung cancer! There are also few hospitals treating cancer patients and some must travel hours and hours from very remote villages just for treatment.

This is certainly a one-of-a-kind film and I’m honored to be a part of it.

Keep on Fighting!

The Real Superhero Film” Information:

Website: http://www.therealsuperherofilm.com

Instagram: @therealsuperherofilm

Twitter: @therealsuperhe1

Also, a HUGE thank you to NYU Langone Hospital and Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York City, who have provided an immense amount of support.

Struggling With Change

Thanks to a very kind soul, who follows my Instagram @braincancer _babe and who inspired me, I thought this was a great topic to start off this new decade. The idea of change has certainly been discussed throughout my prior posts. Yet, now it’s very different.

I struggle with any kind of major change, like seriously struggle!  However, I’m not one to just sit around day-in day-out, and accept redundancy. I get bored very easily doing the same thing all the time. In fact, it makes me utterly miserable. These two concepts may seem to conflict, but they actually don’t.

As a very simple example, I lived in the same one-bedroom apartment for 17 years. That is pretty much unheard of in the New York City metro area for someone in my age bracket (under 40 years old). Moving and even the thought of moving was horrifyingly stressful. Yet, my resume was full of varying places of work because I found every job, up until my last, so painfully boring. Another example is that I hated being on my couch doing nothing. I always had to keep busy, go out, work out or be active in some way shape or form. Otherwise, I’d be left with my thoughts and I’d drive myself crazy worrying about some meaningless thing. However, I also needed, No demanded, time to just be alone.

My Myers-Briggs personality is something in between an introvert and extrovert. I just don’t remember exactly what it is at the moment.

Anyway, more to my point and what brought me to write this post, is to discuss just how deeply challenging my diagnosis/treatment/side effects of treatment/what-have-you and the changes they’ve caused have been.

In my humble opinion, no one can ever go back 100% to the person they were prior to a cancer diagnosis. You learn to live the “new normal”, as many of us say. I went from being a career-driven litigation attorney in Manhattan, to someone who still cringes when asked, “What do you do for a living?” or when having to check the “disabled” box on any form asking about my employment status. I went from a young woman, who always wore make-up, had her hair & nails done in my 4-inch heels and power suit, to what I’ve donned “homeless chic” (no offense to the homeless). If you’re wondering what that looks like, it’s sweats, sneakers, no make-up, messy hair, my cane, a hat to cover my bald spot, and NOTHING like what I looked like before.

While this all may sound very vain and petty, it’s actually not. As a wonderful nurse in acute rehab told me years ago,”You’re allowed to grieve the former you – no matter what that is.”

Even worse is the total loss of independence. Right now, as I await my 7th brain surgery in less than 6 and a half years, I have no use of my left hand and cannot raise my left arm above my head. My balance and coordination is so off, I cannot be left alone. My husband is with me 100% of the time, minus the occasional trip to the grocery store or to pick-up my meds. Yes, I am extremely fortunate to have him here, but losing every once of independence I once had is mind-numbing. Obviously, I cannot drive. It’s too cold here for me to even go outside because if I do my whole left side tenses-up so much it’s physically painful. I used to constantly work out. Now, I can’t even do physical therapy. Hell, just walking to the bathroom is a feat these days.

Halloween 2019, of all days, I wound up in Urgent Care at my hospital after a bad fall at home. I was admitted, but waited until 4:30 a.m. to get a room. My scan results led to my 6th surgery, to drain the fluid from my brain. Yet, the tumor removals and so much radiation to my brain in 2014 & then 2015 created this cavity in my brain, where fluid will consistently flow into, and cause constant imbalance and pressure inside my head. Thus, there are no other options but this 7th surgery.

I actually fell a few weeks ago. I believe I experienced my 1st concussion. Whoa. That was not fun! Besides being covered in blood by the gash across my eyebrow, I immediately became nauseous and wanted to just go to sleep. I truly saw stars and couldn’t focus my vision. I’ll tell you, I do NOT know how football players do it. (I write this while my husband is literally watching football)

My poor, poor brain!

So, Yes, I hate the negative changes brain cancer has caused. It is an every day struggle to face these challenges! However, as I’ve written throughout this lil ole blog of mine, it has brought positive change as well. I’m not going to rehash them all here, but some very important ones:

  1. I never knew just how strong I was until I had to face this beast and all the havoc it has wreaked upon my life.
  2. I have learned who truly loves and cares for me – and who doesn’t. It’s a painful lesson in many ways, but I found “my tribe” and I’ll never let them go.
  3. I was always an advocate – that’s kinda the whole lawyer side of me; but, I know through my charity work that I’ve inspired people I may never even meet face-to-face. That’s why I tell my story to anyone who will listen. If I help just one person, well then, that’s enough.
  4. I’m not just a survivor. I’m a “thriver”! I took on brain cancer, twice, and said, “Nope! Ya, ain’t gettin’ this stubborn Irish girl” or at least that’s what I like to tell myself… whatever works.
  5. Yes, I’ve had some very dark moments, some even in the last week or so, but I MUST fight on.

“Losing Yourself”

“Losing Yourself”

It’s fitting I’d find this quote on Instagram today, because I do feel like I’m “losing myself”.

It’s partly due to losing connections with certain people who I’m supposed to consider family, as well as the loss of some friendships. These relationships were important to me in the past. As I noticed these people distancing themselves, I didn’t think much of it. I had a lot of other people supporting me.

As always, my fellow cancer “thrivers” understated the most. I mean, they had been in the trenches too. Even if we weren’t in that metaphorical “foxhole” at the same time, they know everything I go through, all the terrible things that run through my head way too often. They know that sometimes even replying to a text message is too much. They have perspective others in my life don’t and hopefully, for their sake, never will.

I could only wish my biggest complaint was that my nail polish chipped right after I left the salon. Or, that my order from Amazon came late.

So, No, it “literally” wasn’t the worst day of your life because say, your boss yelled at you. Yes, it sucks, and no one wants that. “Literally” the worst day of your life is when: you hear “you have cancer”; or you have to say “goodbye to a loved one; or that lump they found is not just cancer, but that you’ve actually been diagnosed with “terminal cancer” and you should start “making arrangements”. I’d say picking out my own coffin would “literally” be the worst day of my life.

I know you don’t have to suffer tragedy to empathize. I also know that people are people, and what seems like a bad day for them isn’t what a bad day for me is like. My bad days usually include, falling flat on my face just trying to get up from the toilet, or being so fatigued I can’t walk without my cane and someone or something next to me. The really bad days include trips to the ER, or so many doctors’ appointments back-to-back, I leave my apartment in the early morning and don’t get home until after dark. Of course, the really really bad days are spent in the hospital (and I’ve done my tour of so many a friend joked I should start a blog on the food service in each).

Anyway, back to “losing myself”. Throughout these last 5 1/2 years, I’ve remained consistently positive. Sure, I’ve had bad days, some bad weeks, but now it’s very, very different.

I’m heading into procedure Number 6 on Thursday.

Well, this being “Black Friday” seems quite fitting. My last post discussed how I’ve now become one of “those” people who hates the holidays. I was never that person. In fact, I couldn’t stand those people! Since my diagnosis in 2014, I’ve lost count of how many holidays I spent in the hospital, or separated from my husband because MY sickness caused problems with his family (ya know, when you get married you think, “oh, now we’re all going to be one big, happy family!” Ha. What a joke!)

Some fences have been mended. Once those relationships are fixed, then others suddenly crash and burn. People you thought were “family” are no such thing. Friends you thought would stick by you, don’t want to be around you because it’s “depressing”.

I do know ultimately that removing the toxic people from my life is better. However, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt losing more and more relationships. I find myself becoming angry and bitter. It truly feels like I’m losing more and more of myself – that strong-willed “have no fear” cancer thriver. I just hope I can find the will to find myself again.