When Do You Walk Away?

I’ve been told that I give more to people than they deserve, and that it only winds up hurting me in the end because I’ll never get back what I give in terms of my heart. So, when someone I let close to my heart, hurts me it hurts even more than the average person.

I have what’s known as a “highly sensitive personality”. If you’d like to know basics on this personality-type, here’s a link: https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/highly-sensitive-person-signs/. A more in-depth article from someone with this personality can be found here: https://medium.com/invisible-illness/highly-sensitive-person-hsp-637295745aa

Some traits of people with this type of personality:

1. We absorb other people’s feelings no matter whether we know them personally or not, and it’s overwhelming for us (trust, I’ve cried through literally EVERY Disney movie);

2. We withdraw a lot, not necessarily because we want to be alone, but we NEED it;

3. Change comes very hard for us, and not just, “Oh no one likes change” – it’s extremely challenging;

4. We are always thinking, not just about something like the weather, but deeply and intensely. It typically comes off as being “shy” or even “cold” (Yes, I have Bitchy Resting Face, but I’m not angry, I’m just constantly in deep thought)

5. We notice everything and it can lead to an immediate sense of like or distrust of a person we hardly know. So, we’re labeled as “judgmental”.

6. When we hurt, we really, really hurt!

Do I expect people to be perfect? Absolutely not! I’ve got plenty of flaws, myself.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself, “When is it just time to walk away?” Recognizing that I do take things more personally than the average person, when does a relationship become toxic enough that I just have to let go? For me, this isn’t a romantic relationship, but so-called “family and friends “.

I don’t have any magical answers to this one, but I imagine, in fact I know, a lot of people who are ill face this dilemma. When we face our own mortality, we can’t help but look around at who has been there for us, who has offered help, who has sent well-wishes, cards, flowers, etc. On the other hand, we also see who hasn’t. People are supportive in different ways, but if you haven’t gotten one iota of support from someone, and you’re tied to them because they’re family or you have multiple friends in common, it’s tough.

I’ve made a promise to myself that in 2020, a new year, a new decade-I’m going to be cutting out a LOT of people. I can’t handle the pain of hoping this person, or that person will suddenly be there for me. They won’t and no matter what I do, I can’t “teach an old dog new tricks”.

So, it’s not me, it’s actually you. Buh-Bye!

“Losing Yourself”

“Losing Yourself”

It’s fitting I’d find this quote on Instagram today, because I do feel like I’m “losing myself”.

It’s partly due to losing connections with certain people who I’m supposed to consider family, as well as the loss of some friendships. These relationships were important to me in the past. As I noticed these people distancing themselves, I didn’t think much of it. I had a lot of other people supporting me.

As always, my fellow cancer “thrivers” understated the most. I mean, they had been in the trenches too. Even if we weren’t in that metaphorical “foxhole” at the same time, they know everything I go through, all the terrible things that run through my head way too often. They know that sometimes even replying to a text message is too much. They have perspective others in my life don’t and hopefully, for their sake, never will.

I could only wish my biggest complaint was that my nail polish chipped right after I left the salon. Or, that my order from Amazon came late.

So, No, it “literally” wasn’t the worst day of your life because say, your boss yelled at you. Yes, it sucks, and no one wants that. “Literally” the worst day of your life is when: you hear “you have cancer”; or you have to say “goodbye to a loved one; or that lump they found is not just cancer, but that you’ve actually been diagnosed with “terminal cancer” and you should start “making arrangements”. I’d say picking out my own coffin would “literally” be the worst day of my life.

I know you don’t have to suffer tragedy to empathize. I also know that people are people, and what seems like a bad day for them isn’t what a bad day for me is like. My bad days usually include, falling flat on my face just trying to get up from the toilet, or being so fatigued I can’t walk without my cane and someone or something next to me. The really bad days include trips to the ER, or so many doctors’ appointments back-to-back, I leave my apartment in the early morning and don’t get home until after dark. Of course, the really really bad days are spent in the hospital (and I’ve done my tour of so many a friend joked I should start a blog on the food service in each).

Anyway, back to “losing myself”. Throughout these last 5 1/2 years, I’ve remained consistently positive. Sure, I’ve had bad days, some bad weeks, but now it’s very, very different.

I’m heading into procedure Number 6 on Thursday.

Well, this being “Black Friday” seems quite fitting. My last post discussed how I’ve now become one of “those” people who hates the holidays. I was never that person. In fact, I couldn’t stand those people! Since my diagnosis in 2014, I’ve lost count of how many holidays I spent in the hospital, or separated from my husband because MY sickness caused problems with his family (ya know, when you get married you think, “oh, now we’re all going to be one big, happy family!” Ha. What a joke!)

Some fences have been mended. Once those relationships are fixed, then others suddenly crash and burn. People you thought were “family” are no such thing. Friends you thought would stick by you, don’t want to be around you because it’s “depressing”.

I do know ultimately that removing the toxic people from my life is better. However, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt losing more and more relationships. I find myself becoming angry and bitter. It truly feels like I’m losing more and more of myself – that strong-willed “have no fear” cancer thriver. I just hope I can find the will to find myself again.